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A Letter to Zeus: Beauty vs. Benevolence

Recipient: zeusloveshera_xoxo@olympus.com
From: ouagadougouprince93@royal.com
Subject: Matters of Marriage

Concerning the Almighty, Powerful Zeus, God of the Skies-

Oh, Zeus! One would think that money solves all problems, but on the contrary, it makes way for more problems, such as the one I have. The reason I am contacting you is because my problem is far too complicated and sensitive for any mortal to address and I feel I require farsighted advice from someone who has had more experience. I will need you to respond as soon as possible. I realize you are busy with Hera, settling arguments on Mount Olympus, lighting up the skies with your thunderbolts, and I understand you pursue many beautiful-

Excuse me! I became so engrossed in my problem that I didn’t properly introduce myself! I am Prince Alazarus of Ouagadougou (perhaps you have heard the stories about me?) I’m probably the richest there is in terms of mortals, because I’m sure no mortal or immortal is as wealthy as you, my Almighty Zeus. Since I’m so ridiculously rich, my father wants me to marry and produce a male heir so he can inherit my wealth and carry on the family name. However, I am not really interested in making children and giving them my money so they can give it to their children and so on. I would so much rather have phenomenal buildings built in my name, perhaps invent some fascinating things, and patronize the cultural arts. I would also like to expand my empire a couple continents more through a series of bloody wars that will further glorify me. That is the kind of thing I would like to invest my life and money into. A wife and children will distract me and hinder my plans, and babies are so annoying, don’t you agree? They wake you up at night wanting to be fed, their diapers need to be changed at the most inconvenient times, and then you have to teach them how to walk and talk! Plus, they are ugly, horrifying little things. Father is always buzzing around me yammering “Pick a wife! Marry! Have kids! Be a father!” Yesterday while I was in my underground workshop building a hot air balloon, Father came strolling in to drone on some more about the pleasures of fatherhood. His colossal beer belly bumped into me and caused me to lose my balance and I accidently tore a hole in my balloon that I had been working on for the past seven months! I became so indignant that I lashed out at him and told him I would never marry and would rather be a peasant and end the family name.
Father’s face turned an alarming shade of crimson that matched the color of the jewels in his crown. I realized I had said something delinquent in my outrage and immediately, I wanted to stuff those words back into my mouth. All fact and no feeling, he swore that he would have me married before Sunday night and gave me two brides to pick from. One is Fiona, whom I believe is the loveliest woman on Earth and after the sight of her; I realized marriage might not be such a bad idea after all! When she first came into the room to meet me, I noticed her gait right away. She proudly entered through the doorway giving her chest a couple seconds entrance before her face and hair; Fiona glides seductively and smoothly, almost as if she moves without touching the ground below. She smells like apples and strawberries. Her hair is lovely and gold as if it were dipped in a pot of sunshine and waves behind her in a cloak of curls. Fiona’s skin is smooth, her shape is slender and her twinkling violet-blue eyes are set above a sparkling smile. I suppose you are falling in love with my bride, aren’t you, O’ Powerful Zeus? She has some stunning pictures on MySpace that you might want to check out, if you’re interested that is. Then you can tell me what you think of her! However, as beautiful as she is Mighty Zeus, I swear the woman is a demon! She cannot speak one kind word and only scolds. She has this witch-like ability to stare at someone and cause them to fall, spill, drop, or break whatever they might be handling. She makes me feel like a worthless fool, but her beauty is far too great! When she’s in a room, it’s almost as if the air around her is a different color! Enough about Fiona; the other bride is Eleonore. Let me state it simply and tell you that Eleonore is ugly. Geographically, her bum is a mountain range, she slouches, her teeth are crooked, and she has an extremely large nose. Eleonore walks like a penguin and her hair falls around her face in oily strands. She needs something to correct her vision and is constantly addressing the wrong person by the wrong name, since she cannot see. Eleonore also smells like cabbage and cooked eggs. I would hate for our children to turn out so! Her kindness makes up for that, I suppose. All words coming out of her mouth are pure sugar and honey! She’s one of those “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” situations. Only after hearing her words, I look at her, and cringe because she is so ugly!

So now you know my problem. I felt that you would be a wonderful advisor because I understand from my high school Mythology book that you are married to Hera, but have experience with many nymphs and mortals! I will be married this week Sunday morning, so please Zeus! I beg of you to consider my case and help me! I am being forced into marriage and perhaps I will learn to love my wife’s babies, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Should I spend the rest of my life with a demon, but oh! What a beautiful demon! Or should I rest with Eleonore the kind one, and wake up every morning to see her ugliness?
Concerning Prince Alazarus of Ouagadougou-
Man is often ripped apart by such choices like yours. Fiona sounds like a wonderful choice and I for one would enjoy smelling her scent of apples and strawberries. Eggs just aren’t an agreeable scent for a woman. However, you point out that Fiona is a demon. I would like to further educate you on the female race by pointing out that demonic women like this Fiona of yours often tend to be very untrustworthy and wily. In fact, if you don’t watch out, she might have a lover of her own after you marry! Who knows? She might even be acting “demonic” and snappy because she does have a lover and wants to marry him, not you! I’m sure piranhas can be nice once in a while, but why get close? Eleonore is the better choice because she is kind. She will treat you like you are worth the Earth and heaven to her! Fiona will make your daily life nasty and unbearable with her rude comments. Honestly, mortal women will get uglier as they age. Beauty does not last forever. While Eleonore is ugly, you will enjoy hearing that sugar and honey you talk about daily, and hopefully that will last forever. You might even adjust to her hideousness. Also, Eleonore will be easy to fool and get around. Just look at me! I have Hera and everyone else I want! Oh, before I forget, would you be so kind as to give me Fiona’s number? Thanks!
-Just call me Zeus
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This article has 5 comments. Post your own!

BaiLiHua This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 20, 2010 at 7:51 am:
Brilliant. Going into my Favorites (of all time) list.
 
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RLJoy This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 16, 2009 at 4:07 pm:
This is a very well written article!!!!!!!!!!!! ur an amazing writer!!!!!!!!!!! keep writing
 
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QuestionAuthority1128 said...
Dec. 14, 2009 at 8:10 pm:
This was a really good story/letter/piece of writing! I love how it was in email form. I laughed out loud when I read the email addresses, and the security reminder at the end. I'm not sure if what you wrote it for had a minimum requirement, but my only suggestion would be maybe to shorten it; it's a little long. Or maybe just break it into more paragraphs. Anyway, great humor, and you have an excellent writing style. I can't tell you how much it aggravates me when people don'... (more »)
 
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Queen-of-Sarcasum13 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 14, 2009 at 7:49 pm:
I really liked this. It was funny and in some cases really true. There is no such thing as perfection in people, only in chocolate ( XD) so having good supportive nice people in your life is important.
 
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Cathikin said...
Dec. 5, 2009 at 9:46 pm:
Wow, fayrouz, that was pretty interesting I have to admit! I laughed out loud when I read the "She has some stunning pictures on MySpace" It has a great contemporary twist :)
 
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