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Not Gonna Be Mommy's Lil Drug Addict No More
I hate doing this…I really do. It breaks my heart to see your retreating face in the rear view mirror. It’s only the size of a pin now but I can still see every bit of pain in it. Even through the blur of tears. It’s committed to memory now, as I turn my eyes back to the road and stare blankly down the empty country expanse.
”You’ll make it out here. And if you don’t, you can give me the call. But until you do one or the other, just stand here and rot!” I exclaimed at you, slamming the door.
The call is how I refer to it. You and I both know what the callis butit was never talked about until today, never even mention. Well, not to one another anyway. It’s funny how something that went so untalked-about was so controlling over our lives. But we both know what the call consists of. Just fifty cents, an apology and a promise.
Just a simple, “Mom, I’m sorry for all the grief you’ve gone through over the years, and I’m sorry that I never appreciated it. I’m clean now, and I intend to stay that way. Come and get me.” Yes, that’ll do just fine and I’m on my way but if it’s dishonest, if you slip away, it’s back on that country road in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, I’m sure you’re wondering by now, of all places, why the middle of nowhere? Ah, that’s simple, there are no drugs in nowheresville. There’s no one to score from, no one to score for you. Just silent time to think, and that’s something you need to do.
I’ve got to admit, it does feel good to finally stop being the enabler. To finally stop being the one who’s fault it is, and the one who would drive you around to get your fix, unable to let her baby drive on drugs. Well, no more! No more of that, I’ve got to quit cold turkey just like you do. You have your habit to kick and I have mine so there, we’re even. You’ve got to go through some pain and soul searching and so do I.
For three years my whole universe revolved around you. For three years I sat up at night worrying and wondering. Wondering why you didn’t come home, worrying about who you were with and what you were doing until I had to stuff my blanket in my mouth to muffle the sobs and choke down the screams. Then I’d breathe a sigh of relief when I’d hear you stumble in and I’d scramble up to help. No more of that, either.
For now I have to disown you and care about you as much as I would some bum on the street. I know it may seem selfish but I guess you’d know what selfish is like. It’s like for every vein-full of herointhere was a vein-full of selfishness to chase it. Among a lot of other things. Plus, I have a right to be selfish because it’s my turn for that. After being so selfless for so long I have to think about me. You know the saying, In order to help others, you’ve got to help yourself.
I really am torn up about this, so I’ll let myself cry for now but then, no more tears. I’m going to dry them up and block them out of my head along with you and all the bulls*** you had me carry around on my shoulders for all these years.
But the past is the past and it’s time to start new. You and I need a fresh start.
You’ll always be in my heart,