Trapped in an Elevator

May 19, 2009
By Jesse Frank SILVER, Hartland, Wisconsin
Jesse Frank SILVER, Hartland, Wisconsin
8 articles 0 photos 0 comments

The elevator doors open, on steps Vince Vaughn. Will Ferrell, who is fixated in front of all the buttons, doesn’t even look up. “Where you headed?” Ferrell asks.

“I’ve got a dance class on the fifth floor.” He looks over to see Ferrell has illuminated all of the buttons already.

“I never knew you danced,” Ferrell says as he turns to him.

“Now I know you’re lying through your teeth, you and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer.”

The elevator continues on to the next floor. The doors open and Lil’ Kim slides in between the doors as they are closing. She turns and sets down two large suitcases, revealing a tattoo on her lower back.

Vaughn sees this and whispers to Ferrell, “Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bull’s-eye.”

The elevator comes to an abrupt halt. The lights flicker. “Man, I got no time fo’ this,” says Lil’ Kim, “If this elevator don’t start movin’, I’m a jump off.”

“You don’t have time for this? I have to be at a funeral in five minutes!” Will Ferrell nervously paces the back of the elevator.

“Don’t beat yourself up over this, Will. Damn it, Blue was old, and that’s what old people do, they die,” says Vaughn, “and Lil’ Kim, please don’t take a turn to negative town.”

“All I know is the las’ time a major celebrity, like myself, was trapped in an elevator, he ended up dead. And I do not want to end up like Tupac, and be another victim of the Notorious B.I.G.”

“Erroneous, erroneous on both accounts!” Vaughn says throwing his hands into the air. “Biggie Smalls was a saint! You understand me? Biggie Smalls was a saint!”

“And Lil’ Kim, you’re famous?” says Will Ferrell, “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal... People know me… I’m very important; I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”

The lights flicker again on the elevator. All of the buttons go blank. Vince Vaughn nervously steps towards them and presses the button marked ‘five’. The elevator suddenly lurches upward and the doors open revealing a dance studio. “Well I guess this is where I get off.” Vaughn grabs his flowered gym bag and puts on his rainbow headband. He takes a step out, and turns to Lil Kim. “Why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife?” Before she can respond, the doors close and Lil’ Kim and Will Ferrell are on their way to the sixth floor. The elevator doors open, and both get off without saying goodbye.

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