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Wash It All Away
It was the best I’d felt in a while…a long while. I usually don’t fall for people easily, but I did—and I did I fall hard.
He looked at me from the corner of his eye, “So, who do you like?” He waited patiently, walking slower to keep with my pace.
I looked away and cleared my throat, “You…” I glanced back quickly to make sure I didn’t say the wrong thing, and smiled. He smiled back just as shyly.
The music pulsed loudly out from the small room. We walked over and the man checked our tickets, then let us through. All five of us winced as we entered the room. The smell of smoke was overpowering. On our way in, I spotted more friends, dropped his hand quickly, and skipped away.
“So, what, you two have been together for a week now?” Shawnee asked over the thumping bass.
I nodded, “It’s great.”
She didn’t seem to care that much. She looked past my shoulder at the band onstage, looked at me concerned, shrugged, then disappeared into the crowd. I followed shortly after, glancing at him before I entered the world of chaos.
I could feel my body being thrown around. It wasn’t any big deal to me at that point. I couldn’t be happier with the world. Just then, a sharp pain against my head ended my thoughts. I didn’t see where it came from, so I swiftly found my way out.
I stumbled out, giggling. He quickly bolted to my side, coming out of nowhere. He had a worried look across his face.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“Were you just in that mosh?”
“No, I was on the sides. I left because something hit me on my head.” I rubbed my head softly. His face suddenly transformed into a look so threatening, it even scared me.
“Who hit you?” He yelled over the music. He didn’t bother waiting for my response; he pushed me aside and headed toward to the crowd, his hands clenched into fists. I reached for him, telling him to relax, but he just shook me off like nothing. I then threw my body in his path as a last resort. He looked down at me, studying my face. I then threw my arms around his waist, refusing to let go.
I felt his hand beneath my chin, lifting it up slowly. He hesitated before lowering his head down to my level. He calculated his options, his face twisting with confusion. I could then see he made up his mind. I began to protest when he suddenly forced his lips on mine. My knees went weak and my head started spinning. I didn’t know how to react.
I walked out of the room, feeling sick. I was about to call him out by me, when I suddenly heard Shawnee at my side.
“I saw that.” She hissed.
“Saw what?” I acted oblivious.
“He kissed you.” She clenched her teeth.
I didn’t want to hear anymore so I cut her off by walking away. She wasn’t happy with me, I could see that clearly. I didn’t want to upset my best friend any more than I did with the simple fact that I started dating him, but I’m happy and he’s happy, so that’s all that matters…right?
The wind played with his hair slightly, causing him to push it off to the side. He leaned back in the grass onto his elbows watching me hold his hand. I didn’t dare look at him, nervous that I might make a fool out of myself. He sighed deeply.
“What are you thinking?” I looked up, just to look back down again, for I did not know he was still looking at me.
“Not a lot,” He sat up to touch my cheek, “Just life in general—and us.” He took my hands, meaning for me to lay down with him. I placed my head on his chest, listening. The steady thumping of his heart was somewhat relaxing for me. I closed my eyes, getting a feel for my surroundings. The grass was still damp from the rain just a day before. It felt nice under the hot summer sun. Off in the distance, I could hear a creek flowing swiftly. At that moment, everything seemed right in the world. No worries.
I felt his body shift from under me. I sat up quickly in response. He grabbed a hold of my hand, picking up a dandelion with the other. He blew the seeds in my direction. He laughed as he started picking them out of my hair, being careful as if he were holding a porcelain doll. His face suddenly became serious, hard as stone. He touched my face lightly, his expression fading into something so sad, it pained me.
“I’ve never felt like this before,” He whispered to himself. Just then, he pulled me into his arms, holding me for what seemed like an eternity.
“I love you.” He grip tightened.
I couldn’t make words come out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried. So, I just let the moment take its course.
A few months passed and everything felt perfect. No arguments, just the feeling of being together for longer than the actual amount of time. Maybe that’s where we went wrong. Everything has to come to an end some time, right?
He pulled me aside, “What the h**l is going on? You’re avoiding me. You—you won’t let me kiss you or even say that you love me anymore.”
“I have a lot on my mind,” I paused, “And second thoughts…about us. I think my feelings are fading, I told you before that I go through these moods a lot.”
“You’re so difficult!” He growled. He was trying to turn this around on me, as if it was my fault.
“You’re never happy with what I do!” He grabbed my arms, yelling meaningless insults in my direction. I waited until he calmed down. He let go of me, beginning to shudder with heavy sobs. I couldn’t do this—to either one of us. He was the best thing to happen to me for a long time and he said I was best for him…
“What?” He wiped his eyes.
“Give me one week to work this out. We’ll see how it goes.”
No luck so far. The same thoughts entered my head over and over again. Something told me to end it, to give up. He’s not good for you, let him go. Me? I wasn’t ready to give up.
“You’re coming over tonight, right?” I wrapped my arms around his waist, planting a kiss on his cheek.
“Yeah, I have to talk to you anyways.” He squeezed me back half-heartedly.
I didn’t pay much attention to his words at the time. Little did I know that one way or another, something was coming to an end. The whole day I thought about what would happen that night. I would finally get to hang out with him alone after a long time. Hopefully it would get my mind off of everything that occurred the past couple of days. I was positive that we could make it through the week.
The doorbell rang loudly. I threw the door open, jumping into his arms as he came into view. I said hello by giving him a tight squeeze. He didn’t say hello back. He simply said, “Sit down.”
I didn’t know what to expect then, but I obeyed.
He sighed, “Listen, I don’t think we’ll be able to get through this week. I haven’t seen any progress, it’s just the same. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I think it’s best if we don’t date anymore. It’s hurting both of us.”
The words sunk in, I could feel my eyes swelling up with tears. “No…don’t do this.”
He put his hand up to stop me, “Oh come on, you see it too. Don’t deny it. It’s just not working out anymore. These past months have been great, until now. You won’t make the little changes I asked you to make. I made adjustments for you, because I loved you.”
I definitely caught the past tense with that. The tears finally poured over. He leaned over to wipe them away, comforting me without success. He suddenly broke into tears too.
“You don’t love me anymore?” I cried.
“No. I don’t love you anymore…I’m sorry, but I think this is best.” He wiped away his own tears. I just sat there, numb, not moving, not feeling. My brain wouldn’t function.
“If that’s what you want...” I mumbled. He apologized again, taking my hands in his. He then studied my face, deliberating. He leaned in toward my face, placing both hands on my cheeks. He kissed me lightly…sadly. I didn’t want it to go out like this, it wasn’t right. It gave me the wrong message. It still gave me hope. He pulled back, standing up without saying a word. I looked on as he walked away, pulling the door behind him, leaving my life for good.