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The Oranges From Hell

I am looking down from my cloud in Heaven at earth, keeping everything in order. I've taken up the task of quietly killing all humans that drink orange juice. Oranges are sinful, you see. This is something that these humans have foolishly left out of the bible. I myself am drinking a strawberry smoothie in pretty little glass cup with a pink twirly straw. Strawberry smoothies are pure and clean! I have tried to reason with the humans but they do not listen. So here I am, humming a hymn under my breath, drinking my good Christian smoothie, as I crush the lives out of thousands of people and turn them away from the gates of Heaven.
I am interrupted by a strange sound. I strain my ears, but I can't make it out. Then I see... the Oranges from Hell have escaped.
The strawberry smoothie slips through my fingers and through the clouds I'm lounging on, plummeting towards earth. I jump to my feet, unable to believe this could be true. The Oranges are already rounding up the non-believers to rival against me, those nasty works of the Devil. I watch them down below as they cause chaos to my perfect orderly world. Giant, house-sized oranges are crushing my precious churches beneath their feet!
"Jesus!" I shout in despair, "come see this disaster, help me!"... no answer. Jesus, my son, is in his room eating chips and playing video games. I can hear the Devil laughing away in his lair. I look back down on earth, and see that the oranges have swayed even my most faithful Christians into temptation.
"JESUS CHRIST!" I cry. I am loosing my cool. Jesus suddenly appears in front of me in a poof of holy dust. Before I can explain the situation, I am caught off guard by my sons new hair style. "What is that?" I say, disgusted.
"They're dreads, man." Says Jesus, "it's the new look."
"No it's not, my son. You missed the rasta faze. Now, look down there."
Jesus looks down at earth and his eyes widen at the sight. The burning churches, the orange juice. He takes a step back; I can tell the scene sickens him.
"I want you to go down there and stop them. Spread the word of God once again, it is time for the second coming of Jesus."
"But Dad, you got me killed the last time you sent me down there!" He wines.
"Don't you question me! Get your butt down there and deal with this." I finger his 'dreads', frowning. "And get rid of these, they are unholy."
Jesus goes down to earth in a huff and starts collecting his disciples. I turn away from earth and look out at Heaven. Heaven, the only place I have created that really turned out okay. I sink into the clouds, comforted by the softness of it. I rub my temples with my fingers (yes, I do actually have fingers. I lost my sense of humor long ago, and the creators of South Park will burn in hell for portraying me as that fingerless thing on their show) and listen to the twinkling laughter of the few people who ever made it to Heaven. They are oblivious to what is going on downstairs. How could I let them know what is going on when they have worked so hard to be in paradise?



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