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It was a gloomy day; the car was silent as we drove to the funeral home. It seemed like time was moving extra fast and my stomach seemed to be in my throat. When we pulled up in front of the funeral home my heart beat faster and I was now gagging on my stomach.
The rain beat down hard as I said ‘hello’ to my relatives and family friends. The cold empty air hit me as I strolled to say hi to my aunt who was talking. With my pictures in my hand I walked up to the casket that I knew I would not be able to stand. As I looked down I broke out with tears, as fought to hold them back my cries began to become louder and I could now feel people hovering over me whispering unrecognized words. I then gained enough strength to put my pictures above his head as I could not take it any longer I had to walk away.
I sat in the back of the funeral home crying for what seemed like hours. I had a pair of sunglasses on so that they would cover my eyes, my tears, and my pain but most importantly me. With the glasses on I felt no one could see me and they would all leave me alone. All I wanted at that moment was someone to understand, but at that moment all that came to mind was my favorite cousin, Keyona.
She was my first cousin on my dad’s side and my mother’s first cousins daughter, so I was related to her on both sides of the family. We both had an equal relationship with our grandfather plus she’s only a year younger than I am. Even though I had sisters, they were all too busy to understand my pain. I felt as if they didn’t understand, and that they didn’t know how much pain I was going through. As I flipped open my phone and dialed her number, a certain relief came over me when she answered in her sweet voice, but I felt certain guilt when all she could hear was pain in mine.
We led on into conversation about who was there and how far away she was from being there. I just couldn’t wait until she came. When I hung up with her I rested my head down until she was there, but I couldn’t sit there anymore. I got up and went out 2 feel the warm summer air that blew. My arms, legs, and nose were cold from just sitting there.
As I sat next to the door I saw my cousin come inside and all I could do was smile. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and let her go inside to see our grandfather. When she came back I could plainly see that she was tearing up. I just gave her a hug, and I don’t know what it was about that hug, but we both broke down in each others arms. With no words exchanged I could feel that no matter how many friends I have my cousin will always be my best friend. There was nothing that any friend and I can encounter that my cousin and I hadn’t already gone through.
When the service started the immediate family (children, grandchildren, sisters, nieces, and nephews) all came in while the rest of the family and friends stood there. I felt as everyone put pity on the fact that my grandfather had just passed away and that they all were staring at me. Since my mother made me take off the sunglasses, my tear filled red eyes were piercing straight forward making little to no eye contact. I held my cousins hand and we proceeded to our seats.
When we sat down, we sat right next to each other comforting one another. Half way through the sermon tears were still falling down my eyes and I felt as if I could not cry anymore. Then it all just stopped, the talking, the tears, the pain, all at once, but I knew that it would not last long. I just sat there staring at the red flower arrangements all I could feel was my cousin pushing me up to go the bathroom with her.
When we got into the bathroom there was barely any talking until my little cousins came following. The words they spoke, sounded like they didn’t even care that we were feeling hurt at all. ‘Dag, Shareece I ain’t even know you and Keyona was that emotional.’ There was not one ‘Are you guy’s alright?’ nothing like it. I just looked at them and smiled. I couldn’t feel anger at the way they turned their noses up at us, all I felt was emptiness. I figure now that they’re too young to realize that when you lose someone a certain pain comes over you that you would have never thought would.
When we sat back down, there was no more grief between us we just listened to the preacher preach and nodded our heads back. Then he asked if anyone had any stories to tell about him. All my strength I built up slowly broke down as I heard people talking about him. The jokes, laughter, and memories all made me sad once again. Then it was my turn to say the poem I had and as I read the poem everything was gone. After that I don’t remember anything else but leaving the funeral home.
Poem: by Unknown
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane.
I would walk right up to heaven,
To bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye.
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness,
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you,
No one will ever know.
You and angels around Gods happy throne.
I would have held you closer if I had known
The pain of losing a family member can always be hard, but when you lose someone so close to you after watching them suffer can always be a heartbreaker. Though it would have been a miracle if my grandfather survived his medical complications, I still had hope. I’m just grateful that I had family and friends there to support me through everything.