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White Lies

I am a weird kid. Not weird in the colloquial “hipster” sense, just genetically weird. I have red-green colorblindness, congenital insensitivity to pain, an extremely irrational fear of bees, and a 148 IQ that makes me come across as egocentric when others would be perceived as sincere. Considering the aforementioned, I would not have it any other way. Every person has little weird nuances and intricacies that make them who they are; most people do not cherish these oddities. I cannot fathom a world in which everyone is alike, it would be worse than if every channel was reality TV (oh wait…). My individualistic nature is pertinent if you hope to understand my take on white lies.
I am a firm believer in white lies; without them, our society would be so brutally honest that every achievement would be instantaneously subjected to the jealousy that percolates throughout the undertones of human nature. In short, white lies are healthy. Just so were not confused, I am using white lie as a euphemism for such lies that one finds convenient to tell, and excuses himself for telling. The infamous, “the dog ate my homework”, is as subtle as William Shatner’s toupee, but effective nonetheless. White lies are important for businesses as well. I evidence the typical - “the table will be ready in five minutes”- because customers would prefer to be lied to than told they are not going to eat for a half-hour; the hope of food conquers the reality of no-food every time. Moreover, if white lies were illegal, Olive Garden would be serving a life-sentence. I cannot count how many times I was longing for endless breadsticks and salad bowl, only to be delicately, yet meticulously deceived into believing that my craving would come to fruition in the near-future. Unfortunately, two hours is not in the near-future according to a hormonal teenager’s appetite. Despite all that, I find myself saying “thank you” at every instance in which polite manners are obligatory. What exactly am I thanking them for? Am I thanking them for making me linger in a six square foot area, where, despite the laws of physics, twenty-seven human beings manage to cluster to the point where everyone just marinates in the anguish of waiting? The answer is yes.
Political correctness is becoming a division of white lies before our very eyes. “You look great in that dress” and “it’s not you, it’s me” immediately come to mind. I mention political correctness because it is the subject of my favorite quote. It goes as follows, “Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.” I think it is regressive when people listen intently to your every word hoping that you utter something politically incorrect, so they can fulfill their duty as a “Good-Samaritan” and rebuke you. Political correctness has its place in formal atmospheres, just the way white lies have their place in informal atmospheres. So only use a white lie when it is not at the expense of someone else.



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