My first friend told me that she felt bad when I was sitting alone and decided to pursue me because of that. Thinking back to this makes me remember where my dislike of school came from. She was blonde and seemed to get along well with all of the people around her. I took her as my social role model. She was athletic and played soccer so I changed my wardrobe to all athletic clothes and joined the local soccer team. I liked playing for a while but then it started to take up too much time for the small amount of enjoyment I got out of it. So as middle school started, my first friend slipped away. There I found the pretty, stylish, admirable new social role model. She made it seem easy talking to other people she didn’t even know yet. She wore so-low sweat pants and juicy sweatshirts so made my mom go out and buy these pricey clothes. This all gave me the idea that I would fit in but I soon realized that my new friend was more interested in making friends other than me. I decided to give up on my social role model technique and just be myself for once. Not caring about what others thought of me helped me improve in school and get over my fear of class participation. Though there was a while were I felt alone, I looked at it in a positive way and figured I would rather be myself than conform to what everyone else is doing around me. After all, the most famous artists, mathematicians, and philosophers were all non conformists. At least that’s what I kept telling myself. There were a few obstacles along the way but they all shaped the person I am today. After ditching my over analyzing thoughts as to why I wasn’t fitting in, I met my best friend of almost six years and no longer feel like I’m putting on an act for anyone else by changing the way I dress or joining any sports teams that I was unable to fully commit to. There is finally a balance in my social life and my new found interest in my subjects continues to reward me.
September 20, 2010