After carefully reviewing your college application, we regret toinform you that not only do you reek like oven-baked maggots, but we're sincerelysurprised a bolt of lightning hasn't struck you down in an act of pity for fellowcreatures on earth.
Although your GPA is not wholly wretched, we feel thatany attempt to adjust to the pace and workload of our university would be futileand a waste of your (and especially our) time. We were very curious about onesemester during sophomore year - did you hibernate in a cave, or actually attendclasses? If you could respond to this question, it would allow the admissionscommittee to sleep at night.
We wish you the best of luck with yourfuture, which is surely headed down the tubes faster than bath water. We expectto see you on "America's Most Wanted" one day. Likelier still, you'llbe the proud recipient of the this century's Number One Darwin Award for runningwith upturned scissors and sticking a knife in the toaster while blow-drying yourhair in the tub.
P.S.Now do you know why you signed the No Lawsuit forms over and overagain?
P.P.S. Keep smiling, and hold that head up! This rejection may beawful, but it isn't nearly as bad as the painful remarks those disappointedfamily members and friends will make! -
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.