I have been striving to know who you really are, especially in the course of this week. Deceiving as you are, the conclusions had neither a proof of truth nor an evidence of falsehood. Surely, I have uncovered some of the defects I had been sincerely hiding from myself but I am not sure of their positive effect on my soul and peace of mind. I suddenly became confused, was I trying to discover your true essence or was I creating a new made-up one unconsciously all along? Am I living somebody else's part? Or am I losing myself trying to find my own? Is it ambition? Is it diffidence? Is it cruelty? Elevating my feelings and emotions to civilty is just disintegrating to my self-esteem and sense of worth in front of my self instead of helping it to get to the next phase towards true humanity. Everything suddenly feels empty, ill-accomplished or just simply wrong. Fear of faults or need of perfection relentlessly destroying every feeling that I indulge except for regret, is killing every last fragment of opennes and spontaniety left aback in my childish remains. Thinking a thousand times before making a move, not living any feeling to its extent for the fear of getting hurt, are what occupy my mind.A strong feeling of captivity and restrainment resulting in sudden over dosses of raging anger or urging raptures, leaving my emotiong like a jar of chemicals in a lab, affected by the least change of temperature or movement and giving me the intolerable yet unexplainable feeling of guilt and wrongdoing every time I share them. Reflecting on my confidence more than anything, the feeling of hollowness must be filled, resulting in seeming pride and arrogance causing a slight shake of personality publicly known as weakness.
September 27, 2007